I think in the times we feel stuck, we become detached from the world surrounding us. So we trudge through the mud during the week and days will merge into one another until it’s the weekend and you can just finally get some rest. Right now, I feel as if I‘ve been placed in a pool that is 8 feet deep and I am in wet cement to my knees and it is drying by the second but the walls are just too high. I don’t think that I have the strength to jump. I have people telling me to wait until the cement has done its job but it will take time and eventually someone will help to break me out of it. If I try before I receive the help of another, I will break a leg or two in the process and that’s not an option - so here I am. I am stuck and I don’t want to be here anymore but this is the result of the actions that have led me to where I am in life. I was originally told this was a river of gold that would help me to further myself in life and get a good step in the right direction for my stupid fucking future but now I’m just stuck.
I read a tweet recently that said “If you cheat, you’re not in love.” To clarify before I go on this rant, I have never been unfaithful to my significant others. But I have been loved by them, and have had a history of them choosing a different route. I don’t think that it meant they didn’t love me when we were together, I really don’t. I believe that we love people in the way that we know best to, whether that’s through flowers, Instagram posts, or what have you. There’s a lot of different love languages, and infidelity has been explained to me in many different ways. The most important one being that there are underlying issues in the relationship, someone doesn’t cheat on the person they love just because they feel like it (a majority of the time).
I could talk about how chaotic the world is right now and that I'm finally starting to pull out of the deep, depressive hole that I tried burying myself in again - but I'm not. These are facts, everyone is depressed, anxious, and sleep deprived because of stress created from this pandemic that we're having to face.
So, I'm going to tell you three things that I have done to attempt coping. 1. Getting more in touch with my roots. I've spent a lot of time cooking in general, most people have. But I stopped by the Asian market and I grabbed the ingredients I needed to make Turon. For those of you who don't know what turon is, it is an egg roll made with a saba banana, fried and then coated in caramel. This is typically a holiday dish but the world feels like it's burning to the ground right now so I could use literally anything that would give me an ounce of positive energy. I am also going to try out biko, a sweet rice cake, sometime soon. 2. Calling my family. I know a lot of people don't like doing this, but it helps with the anxiety that I generally have. I like knowing what my grandparents are doing to pass the time. On my mom's side, my grandpa is making his own wooden cutting boards. On my dad's side, my Lola is cooking and cheering me on as I continue to learn recipes that she wishes she could be teaching me herself. I worry about all of them constantly so it helps to know that they are doing what they can to salvage whatever amount of normalcy that they can. I wish that I had a safe bubble to put them in, one rid of disease, heartache, and anguish. But it would have to be a pretty big bubble. One to fit both of their massive gardens and all of the love that I hold for them. 3. Reflection. This wasn't great for me because I have that internal monologue that tells me I could've taken steps in a better direction. One that would have made me cringe less, helped me to avoid losing people that I wish I didn't, or maybe even make me happier in the long run. Reflection is healthy, it is good for some. Just not for me. But yeah, I hope everyone is staying sane, safe, and healthy. Honestly, I don’t know everything. But I do know that I feel this way fairly regularly where I genuinely think that I’m alone when I’m not. I’ve been the girl guys are ashamed of dating, so if it’s a couple months down the line and they’re questioned about it they quickly change the subject and make out with the girl right next to them to prove I’m not the one who was able to tie them down. I’m the girl that is put down gently about being invited to parties - and by gently I mean that they tell me it’s cancelled then post a shit ton of drunk selfies with their ride or dies. These are all things that have been happening to me since I was in high school and even continued through college.
Even though I’m in a relationship with someone who wears his heart on his sleeve and will happily explain that he’s mine to anyone - I still have moments where I think I’m the girl that’s meant to stay hidden. I’m not going to sit here and call myself an unappreciated wallflower who has never had her chance to show people what she’s capable of. That’s bullshit. I’ve done my best to prove to anyone who has considered themselves my friends that I’ll fight for them until the end. And when you’re crying at 2 am because even your dog has chosen someone else over you (she’s learned to prefer javi, it’s fine - I’m not bitter), remember to fact check. Because I know that there are countless people in your life that have tried their damndest to prove that you’re worth more. I have so many amazing friends and family, some of who aren’t in Orlando, but they work to make sure that I know my worth while I do the same for them. I’m not going to act like I’m just another girl who has been emotionally trampled by the inconsiderate assholes that surround me. I’ve got a hell of a support system, and I’m sure that you do too. You’ve just gotta wake up and see it. I’ve decided to make some distance between myself and social media, I plan to continue posting here because it’s actually very therapeutic for me as it serves as a healthy outlet in comparison to other things. There’s a lot of reasons surrounding why I’ve chosen this route and the main one is the toxicity that flows through Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Over the years I’ve noticed that people use it just for the sake of causing pain in one another. Posting certain photos with the purpose of hurting other’s feelings. When a friend unfollows you it can cause this pit to form in your stomach forcing you to wonder “what the fuck did I do wrong?” And unfortunately the value placed in social media within my generation, it’s just the way that things are. Your social status is determined by where you go, what you do, and who you’re with as long as you take a picture. I tried looking at it from so many different angles - such as a game or a form of self expression. But in the end, these things are still what helped me find value in myself. I’d constantly check after posting a photo to see if it was good enough for a minimum of however many people liked or viewed it or make sure that certain people I didn’t want seeing my stories were keeping off. I know that these are all due to my own faults and lack of self esteem, it’s not at all facebook’s responsibility to make sure I give a shit about my growth. But for now, I’m going to take a step back, take pictures for memories instead of posts, and enjoying the life I’ve got going for me. It’s beautiful, chaotic, and something I’m building with the help of those who love me. I don’t need to prove to the world that I’m happy in my relationship, I love my friends, or that my dog is literally the only good thing that this god has created. These are all facts that I know in my heart are true. I’m going to be learning along the way how much more I need to value myself without the pressures of social media surrounding that path. Being completely honest, I’ll probably go back to it because it’s so difficult to keep up with friends and family without this amazing tool - I just need to choose myself first. I stopped doing that for a really long time. If you end up missing my stories I’m probably ranting about how awful the general human population can be, talking to my dog like she can understand me, or drinking tea that my boyfriend made me because my stomach is hurting.
I really want to let go of my pain. Trust me, I want nothing more than to fully enjoy the love I have surrounding me because there’s so much. I am the closest to experiencing happiness as I have been since I was 12, I can’t lose that because of the darkness of my past. It’s loomed over me for years, for some time without my even realizing. I love my friends, I love my family and I love my life. These are all reasons why I’m ready to finally let go. I’ve held onto the way that people have hurt me to justify my actions for too damn long. To those that forced me into the deep depression I have experienced over the years - I don’t forgive you, but I am releasing you. This is the only way I believe I will ever reach peace within myself, after six years of going back and forth between filing police reports and restraining orders. I am ready to bury the memories, the trauma, the anxiety. Forgiving the person that I was, was the first step. Now I’m walking away from the memories and telling myself that I will be okay without having the baggage strapped to my chest because I’m going to run miles ahead without it. If you’ve ever had to do this, I commend you because it feels like it’s impossible. I feel like I’ve had a warning label wrapped around my heart to make sure not another soul breaks it but now it’s time for me to really move on. I’m no longer the girl who feels emptiness in her chest, because all the love that surrounds me every damn day has truly helped this shattered heart mend.
Nakaligtas ako... I survived, and now I will thrive. I’ve always preached against acting out in spite. I have and always will, even if someone brings you pain that doesn’t give you the right to do the same to them. For the last two years, I carried a huge burden because there was a point where my heart was shattered. I just wanted them to feel an ounce of what I did and I acted on it.
When acting in anger, things are said that have no true meaning and actions are taken that you will be left to regret later. I think I held onto this guilt mainly because I meant everything I said, I never lied once. I felt like the world I’d known was melting away and I didn’t know how to acknowledge that in a healthy way. I go to therapy so I can process my pain and learn how to ground myself when my thoughts are just too much. Even though I’d had 5 years of that knowledge under my belt, I wasn’t properly prepared to deal with heartbreak. And I don’t think anyone truly is. I was vindictive and livid. But that didn’t give me the right to take actions that would hurt the source of these emotions. It never was my right. People have told me that I don’t need to be sorry, I don’t need to continue to feel this guilt - but I do. Because that person isn’t who I am, everything I did back then goes against everything that I stand for now. I urge you to not be this person, because it doesn’t matter what you were put through. You don’t have the right to hurt others, it doesn’t matter what the circumstance is. You don’t always know every facet of a situation; you don’t always understand things outside of your own emotions. So, please, don’t act out in anger. Don’t force people to understand how you feel, that’s not necessary. I genuinely believe that the universe has a way of balancing itself out. There is energy constantly surrounding us, both positive and negative. Sometimes we just have to power through the bad so we can enjoy the good that comes from life. It will only bite you in the ass if you try to carry out actions that time will take care of on its own. It’s not your responsibility, let life teach others as it will teach you. After months of convincing my boyfriend (it wasn’t so much convincing, it was more warning because I was gonna do this regardless), I finally got a new addition to our little family here in Apopka. That’s right, I am a proud guinea pig mom. I felt the need to announce this because even though he really didn’t want one due to the financial and emotional investment another critter in our family would require, he saw how happy it made me to be holding this little bean in my arms. He was upset for the first two hours, we’d gone to the pet store to get Peach a new toy so she didn’t resent us for leaving her to go get dinner and then you can assume the following chain of events. I looked at him, worried and asked if he was still mad at me. He told me, “No, I’m frustrated but I told you I will do whatever I can to make you happy - if that means a guinea pig, then it means a guinea pig.”
My partner spoils me, not with material items but with love. I wouldn’t trade him for anything or anyone on this Earth because I have never felt in my life what it’s like to have reciprocated unconditional love from a significant other. What I’ve learned over the years is that humans are generally opportunistic creatures; if you lend one a hand, you can’t be surprised if they take your whole arm with it. Before I say this, it doesn’t apply to every case; this isn’t every single person, it’s just what I’ve noticed from being in two very abusive romantic relationships early on in my life. I want you to understand that some people can’t help the way that they are. If they are abusive, they often aren’t aware of the fact that what they are doing is so wrong and deeply traumatizing. If they are manipulators, they don’t realize that they are using you the way that they are. It’s just how their brains are wired or it is their version of “normal.” When another person inflicts such pain onto you, you will at some point ask yourself, “Why me?” I am not excusing the kind of treatment that these types of people use. I am putting it into a different perspective because learning this helped me to come to terms with why what I was put through had happened. Now, I am doing my best to move forward from my trauma. I look for comfort in those that I love, such as my family or my animals. But don’t worry, I am putting the breaks on and I am not going to buy anymore animals. I feel like three is the perfect number. I encourage everyone to look for comfort in their friends, family, and whatever it is that you are passionate about. I don’t necessarily recommend animals if you aren’t prepared for the responsibility, but I’m used to finding love in them because animals love you unconditionally. But if it is art, go to a coffee shop, pop some earbuds in and sketch something every day. If it is writing, get a small notebook and carry it everywhere with you. Do what you have to do to learn to love yourself and appreciate life again. I am not a smart or mature person. I don’t believe that these adjectives are fitting for myself because there is a world of knowledge that I am still working to obtain and learn from. I will never describe myself again as “mature for my age;” anyone who tells you that, I can guarantee, isn’t. They may be a couple months ahead, but there is so much to experience from life (she says at the very wise age of 22). I’ve been through a lot in life, I have; I’m not afraid to say it. But I have yet to delve into every culture, visit every single one of the world’s libraries, or even learn a second language after years of promising myself I would.
I’m okay. I’m genuinely okay for the first time since I was 13 working through teenage angst that developed into depression and anxiety. I’m starting this blog so that I can tell anyone who reads it that it is fine to not be happy in the moment but if you work towards it and you really want it - you will eventually reach this point. There will be bumps in the road no matter what and they will feel like you’re treading through mud uphill. But you’ll look back on whatever it is you’re trying so hard to fight through and realize that shit was cake. I would try to find another metaphor, but I really want to get to the point here. With my first two posts, I got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of my friends didn’t know I’d had it so “rough.” But I don’t really see it as that, I know that living life brings on baggage. I have so many friends, both male and female, that were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused at some point. I have come into contact with so many people who started out stories saying “oh when my parents got divorced...”
We all go through pain, heart break, and anguish. I’m not going to define myself by my pain, I will define myself by how I overcame it. And I implore you to do the same because we are not our scars, we are who we have built ourselves to become. I am not a melting pot of mental illnesses, I am someone who has shown enough tenacity to function in our society while battling them every day. I am not a lost daughter because she watched the foundations of her family crumble twice, I am a girl surrounded by people who love her and they fight fairly often because of that love. I am not a victim of abuse, I am a fucking survivor. So move forward in life knowing that you are a soldier battling the world aiming to win, and I promise that you will. Sometimes we lose small battles, but I know you’ll win the war. For those that don’t know, I’ve grown up in a broken family tree with branches grafted on and ripped out as it started to flourish. Sadly, where I saw cherry blossoms blooming, my dad saw wood rotting away. It’s hard to comprehend how the same situation can be so differently perceived, but that’s the difference between an adult’s awareness of life and that of a child’s. With the dissolving of a marriage, a lot of hatred is formed.
|
AboutHere is where I am going to compile a collection of thoughts and poetry, please read with care. Archives
February 2020
Categories |