I am going to be brief when I touch this subject but it’s just the most prominent one in my life right now that I feel like it’s an important one to write about - trauma. We all have our own because unfortunately, we’re human. We are capable of the deepest love that it can create a high better than any illicit drug being sold; but we are also able to create pain in others that is so deep it morphs into skeletons hidden within their closets. Our species is known for making mistakes, and that’s just a fact of life. Humans inflict pain, struggle to empathize, and often don’t care to repair the damage they’ve caused. We can’t change that, we can’t go back in time to mend the hearts we break. That’s something my abuser learned when he called me six months ago apologizing for all he put me through when I was 15 years old. While it was an admirable effort on his part, I couldn’t grant him the forgiveness he was seeking at that moment and I still can’t. He spoke about it as if it was such a small thing in his past while it was the biggest part of mine. It has prevented me from being able to love people to my full capacity, to trust friends in the way that they deserve to be, and lose so much sleep from the nightmares fueled by memories of the scent of cheap cologne and voices that are all his. We don’t have to forgive the people that hurt us - whether they’ve lied, cheated, or stolen that which isn’t theirs. Forgiveness isn’t something that always needs to be granted. One thing that I can promise whoever is reading this, is that I’ve learned to forgive myself. For allowing so many awful things happen to me, for letting people take advantage of the kindness I am so quick to offer, and for hurting myself when I didn’t know how to process the emotions that I should have been actively trying to power through.
The human soul goes through so many trials and tribulations that it can’t even comprehend sometimes. Whatever trauma it is that you’re trying to heal from, I hope that you learn to forgive yourself before anyone else. |
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February 2020
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